Top 20 Judah Maccabee FACTS

Just spreading some holiday cheer. Credit for all of these goes to me. You’re welcome.

  1. Judah gives his kids nothing but chocolate gelt for Hanukkah, and they never complain. The gold foil is 24 carat.
  2. It was Judah’s idea to put that ninth candle on the menorah, just to make things a little more exciting.
  3. How did they make more olive oil in only eight days? It took seven days to collect all the olives, and one day for Judah to crush them in his bare fists.
  4. Judah Maccabee doesn’t have to deliver presents. He just glares at the gifts and they go where they’re supposed to.
  5. The three wise men also tried to visit baby Judah Maccabee, but they weren’t on the guest list.
  6. The only reason there’s a “war on Christmas” is that nobody’s brave enough to attack Judah Maccabee’s holiday.
  7. King Antiochus was about to set fire to a Torah scroll, but Judah Maccabee snuck up behind him and took his Torah. The King said something about burning the Torah, and Judah was like “Dude you HAVE no Torah” and ran off.
  8. Judah Maccabee was the original Inglourious Basterd. He’s going to be doing one thang, and one thang only: killin’ Seleucids.
  9. There are lots of mall Santas. There is only one Judah Maccabee, and you do not sit on his lap.
  10. Hanukkah was supposed to start on the same day as Christmas, but Judah got tired of waiting.
  11. Judah Maccabee can play with dreidel BEFORE it’s dry and ready.
  12. Judah can eat a sufganiyah (jelly donut) without getting any of it on his face.
  13. Judah Maccabee knows the correct English spelling of “Hanukkah.”
  14. Judah Maccabee doesn’t have to cook latkes. Potatoes are so scared of him, they hide themselves in frying pans just to get away.
  15. No other holiday hero besides Judah Maccabee has ever been described as a giant, fire-breathing lion. (Chapter 3 of 1 Maccabees, look it up.)
  16. Judah Maccabee’s SUV gets eight times the MPG of your Prius. (It runs on used latke oil.)
  17. Judah once spun a dreidel so hard it didn’t fall for 8 days. Then it landed on gimel.
  18. Three words: “STOP. Maccabee time.”
  19. Judah doesn’t object to Hanukkah bushes. They make great kindling for when you don’t have any oil.
  20. 2100 years ago, the Seleucid Empire of King Antiochus contained what is now Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon, together with parts of Turkey, Armenia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, and Tajikistan. Today, there is no Seleucid Empire. But Judah Maccabee’s people are still here.
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